Recipes for the New New Economy

ENTERTAINING ON A BUDGET

Times are tight, but you can still eat like a king if you know how.

TOMATOLESS SOUP

1 “soup bone” (chicken leg bone from dumpster behind KFC)
2 tbsp. flour (from floor of doughnut place)
2 restaurant sugar packs
25 packs of catsup
½ teaspoon dried toothpaste
8 dairy creamers from convenience store coffee machine

Put on “soup bone” early to boil on hot plate. When done, remove from kettle; place bone in safe where you used to keep the deed to your house; sigh. Run twenty five packs of tomato catsup through sieve or recently cleaned sock; add to the liquor. Immediately add one half teaspoon dried tooth paste, a pat of butter, one pack of sugar, one heaping tablespoon of flour from the floor of the doughnut place that gives out day old bread to homeless people like you are now; sigh. Mix with eight dairy creamers; salt and pepper to taste.
After adding flour let boil up three times, and serve in dome from porch light of house you used to own; sigh. Garnish with deed to your house, which you have cut into a chain of dollar signs; remember when you could afford a can of Campbell’s; sigh.

DOG FOOD CASSEROLE

2 cans beef flavor dog food
1/2 c. wild onions1 can cheddar cheese soup
10 packs Heinz catsup
Cheese scraped from McDonald's burger containers
3 cups Snack Ramen
In your hot plate cook dog food and onions which you picked at the park earlier that day while panhandling. Mix soup and catsup packets in dog food. Boil Ramen until done. Drain. Place in a 9 x 13 inch shoebox lined with tinfoil. Mix dog food in with noodles. Place cheese on top. Bake on radiator at your flophouse until cheese is melted and casserole is hot.

ROAST HOUSE CAT WITH ORANGE SAUCE

1 house cat, dressed and halved
2 tbsp. flour (gathered from shelf at supermarket)
2 restaurant sugar packs
1 container Jungle Juice
1/4 c. sherry (ripple or beer is acceptable)
Salt to taste
Grated rind of 2 oranges (can be found at any dumpster)

Brown house cat with a small amount of fat in toaster oven you got from the pawn shop; place fat-side down on toaster rack. Cover and roast at 300 degrees for 1 1/2 - 2 hours or until tender. Remove cover during last 15 minutes to brown. Pour off stock; skim off fat and reserve 1 cup of the liquid. Blend stock, flour, and sugar packs. Gradually stir in Jungle Juice and half of the orange rind. Cook until thick and smooth; salt to taste. Pour over house cat on garbage can lid. Garnish with remaining orange rind.
Note: If house cat is frozen, roast for 5 hours at 300 degrees.
Yield: 2 servings, if you’re really hungry. But maybe you’d better stretch it out for a while there, big guy.

GOLDFISH BALLS

1 pint of shredded goldfish
1 bar of stale potato chips
2 eggs (does not have to be chicken)
3 butter patties
15 creamers (dairy or non-dairy)

One pint shredded gold fish, two quarts artificial mashed potatoes, well seasoned with butter and pepper--salt, if necessary. Form mixture into balls. After dipping them into a mixture of two eggs beaten with 15 coffee creamers, place them in a cleaned out ashtray into which you have put 3 pats of butter; place in Stewart’s sandwich microwave oven at the bus station with the setting at ten; baste frequently with eggs and creamer; bake till golden brown. Garnish with gravel and castle from your fish tank.
Submitted by the lady with the shopping cart and all of the cats

SEASONED PAN – FRIED SHOE LEATHER STEAKS

SHOES:
2 (4-6 oz.) patent leather shoes
Salt and pepper packets from Burger King
Flour or substance you can pretend is flour
1 butter patty1
1/2 tbsp. motor oil

SAUCE:
3 butter patties, melted
1 1/2 tbsp. grass clippings

Remove laces, eyelets, staples, and sweat wicking sole covers. Slice shoes into thin strips. Season strips with paprika, salt and pepper packets on both sides. Powder with flour or dust that looks like flour. Heat butter and oil in a coffee can and brown shoes over medium high heat on both sides (about 3 minutes per side). Combine sauce ingredients and pour over shoes. Used to serve 2, but now serves 8. Garnish with laces.
Note: Sauce is also good on baked potatoes. As if you could afford potatoes.

RUMP ROAST OF DOG

1 pack of salt
1pack of pepper
1/2 c. rainwater
1 pack of ketchup
2 packs of sugar
2 lb. rump roast from dog

Rub roast dog with salt and pepper. Sear with blow torch you stole from that auto body shop that wouldn’t even take your application. Simmer in bottom half of garbage can over a roaring fire for 30 minutes. Pour in water, ketchup, and sugar. Roast several hours until done. Garnish with collar and serve in dog’s food bowl. You and your hobo friends enjoy.


BABY BACK RIBS FROM REAL BABY

3 to 4 pounds baby ribs
4 packs of sugar
1/2 cup vinegar
2 cups water from pipe behind the laundry mat
7 ketchup packets
1 pack of mustard
4 packs of pepper

Combine shoplifted vinegar and sugar in hub cap from car you can no longer afford gas for and simmer until mixture thickens to a syrupy consistency, about 10 to 15 minutes. Add water and seasonings. Bring to a boil and add ribs, simmering for 20 minutes. Allow ribs to cool in a milk crate lined with foil candy wrappers. After 15 minutes, wrap ribs in foil and refrigerate overnight by wrapping them in a trash bag, tying them to a stake you drove in the ground, and throwing them into the river.
The next day, simmer the remaining liquid in valve cover from a Harley, reducing until it becomes thick enough to coat the back of a spoon. Cool and refrigerate. Reserve this sauce to baste the ribs while grilling.
The following day, grill ribs 30 to 40 minutes in a hole in the ground over which you have laid a piece of the chain link fence the bank has put around your house. Turn once or twice, and baste every 10 to 15 minutes with the reserved sauce. Garnish with rattle and teething ring, and serve on garbage can lid. Explain to police that you just found the food already cooked, and thought it was a piglet.

How to Survive a Bear Attack

Surviving Bear Attacks

The best way to avoid a bear attack is to avoid bears. However, as civilization continues to encroach upon traditional bear territory, attacks are becoming more and more common. The attacks are escalating in severity as bears continue to try to integrate themselves into society. Bears can now be seen in areas where they were formerly absent, such as in forests, mountains, supermarket candy aisles, toy stores, old Saturday morning cartoons, even Wall Street, although if Bush’s plan is approved the bears will go away.

However if you are unable to prevent a bear attack, these tips might help you survive.

The Essentials:
bear spray
bear whistle
bear repelling socks
large caliber weapons
surface to surface missile launcher platform
an old priest and a young one
two changes of underwear
money in small denominations, bears won’t take anything over a twenty

Grizzly Attacks
Step1
Hike with pepper spray at the ready--easily accessible in a holster on your belt or in a front pocket. Even better would be one of those quick draw devices that Mississippi river boat gamblers used to carry up their sleeves back in the Old West days. Or even cooler would be a pepper spray dispenser that popped out of the back of your hand like Wolverine’s claws in the X-Men movies. Even better would be to have Wolverine’s claws! Yeah! OR you could undergo experimental gene therapy, so that whenever a bear gets near you, you’d shoot pepper spray out of your butt, like you were a skunk or something. OR you could have eyes that shoot death lasers YEAH! That would be awesome! But whatever it is, you’d better be fast, because a bear can completely strip the meat off a full grown adult skeleton within thirty seconds.

Step2
Aim bear spray toward attacking bear. When the massive, incredibly strong killing machine is in close range, begin to whimsically fire a cloud in his direction. Hopefully, the super-strength pepper spray will be enough to ward off the attack. Unless the bear likes pepper, then he will think it is delicious seasoning.

Step3
Drop to the ground and lie face down if the bear continues to charge. DO NOT MOVE. Cover the back of your neck with your hands and DO NOT MOVE. Place your wallet and all valuables on the ground beside you and DO NOT MOVE. Bears are less interested in you than your money, which they use to purchase alcohol and weird German pornography.

Step4
PLAY DEAD. When the bear attacks as you lie helplessly on the ground, PLAY DEAD. As he breathes on your neck, his twelve inch long fangs mere centimeters away from your aorta, PLAY DEAD. As he fondles your body with his three inch claws, which are capable of slicing through concrete, PLAY DEAD. As he goes through your wallet, looking for your driver’s license and Social Security card so that he can steal your identity, PLAY DEAD. If he leaves you alone even for as long as 20 minutes, continue to PLAY DEAD. Even if the bear has forgotten about you and is currently eating a camper twenty miles away continue to PLAY DEAD. Even if you haven’t seen a bear, and are just feeling paranoid, PLAY DEAD. Even if you see a bear on the television, PLAY DEAD.

The downside of this approach is that the bear will almost inevitably take a crap on you. Damn bears!

Black Bear Attacks

Remember: Black bears will usually bluff one or more charges before deciding to eat you.

Step1
Do whatever you can to look aggressive and big. Stand your ground, look big, scream and shout--flail your arms about! Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care! If you have a pack or bike or branch--anything--hold it over your head to look bigger. Even better would be one of those inflatable suits like Missy Elliot wore in the video for Supadupa Fly. Yeah man, you just pull the ripcord and you’d blow up to be like three times your size, and the bear would be afraid of you. How awesome is that?

Steroids may be efficacious in helping you to bulk up and scare off bears, but they generally take too long to work, as well as the side effect of shrinking your genitals. Buyer beware!

Step2
Keep your feet on the ground; do not climb a tree! Black bears are excellent climbers. That’s how they got Sir Edmund Hillary!

Step3
Fight back. Do not go gentle into that good night. Use your fists, your feet, sticks and stones, your nail file, your tweezers, your roach clip, the handgun you carry around without a permit. Telling a bear ‘no’ will not work. Just like Kobe Bryant.

Tips & Warnings
If a grizzly seems to be following or circling you, it may actually be hunting you as prey. This is not normal behavior, but it may happen with a sick or starving bear. Only when we have a nationalized health care system will the menace of sick and elderly bears end.
Do not run. There is no chance of outrunning bears. Some own four wheelers and SUVs. Some ride horses like the gorillas in the Planet of the Apes. How messed up is that, gorillas riding horses?

Remember, the bear is far less scared of you than you are terrified of it. If you remain calm while grizzly or black bear is disemboweling you, you are that far ahead. Except that bears usually attack the head first. It is important that before a bear attack to take care of any unfinished business, such as putting in your final draft of your last will and testament. Many bears are notary publics and will witness your will for a small fee.

What Are We Laughing At?

I Can See Russia From My House!

I saw Tina Fey do her impression of Sarah Palin on SNL the other night. (I actually caught it on YouTube. It's a cliche nowadays to say, "I haven't watched Saturday Night Live in years," so I won't say it.) The impression has become as popular as the candidate, with some wandering if Fey can come back and be Palin on SNL while continuing to write and star in her own TV show, “30 Rock”.

I have to say that Tina Fey is really funny, and the sketch is great. It’s probably the best thing anybody on SNL has done in quite a while, probably since Will Ferrill’s Bush impression.

My problem is that the best impressions are the ones who generally win elections. Think about it. Dana Carvey’s George Bush probably helped the real Bush win his term in the Oval Office. You might be able to say the same thing for Phil Hartmann as Bubba Clinton. Then there is Ferrill as Dubya, and now we have Fey as Palin.

I won’t say that the best impressions help the candidates. Dan Ackroyd did an awesome job as Bob Dole in the fake Republican debate back in ’88 which is the last decent thing he has done. Ackroyd is so good, he makes Carvey’s Bush look like a wimp (much as Dole made Bush look like a wimp in real life), but Dole couldn’t get the nomination that year, and he lost to Bill Clinton four years later. Ackroyd never repeated his impression on SNL again, and the role fell to Norm MacDonald, who pretty much imitated Ackroyd imitating Dole. MacDonald’s impression was nowhere near as good as Phil Hartmann as Bubba. Hartmann was so sleazy, so repellant, it was awesome. The one I remember most clearly was Clinton at Mickey D’s stealing food off people’s plates.

Then there is Ferrill as Dubya. I forget who took over when Ferrill left the show, but he is nowhere near as good. Ferrill specializes in stupid people, so he and Dubya are a perfect match. But did you ever stop to think that maybe Ferrill’s Dubya made the real Dubya possible?

It’s like all of those Ronald Reagan impressions people did in the eighties. It kind of made the guy more charming than he already was. The impressions give a gloss of humor to these people that their actions alone would not merit. We don’t take them seriously, so it’s easy to discount the actual effect of their decisions on our lives.

People have been writing Bush off as a joke for eight years, and look where not taking him seriously has gotten us. Bush may be a smirking buffoon, but he has won every fight in his term of office. The Constitution has been gutted, the Economy has been looted, the infrastructure has been wrecked, and he’s to blame for all of it. But we still laugh. If an idiot has you arrested while stealing your wallet and having you evicted from your home, you can’t really compliment yourself on how much smarter you are. Dubya might not score much higher on an IQ test than Forrest Gump, but he is a member of one of the most powerful families in the U.S. While we have been busy laughing at Ferrill as Dubya (even the nickname makes him more approachable, more friendly seeming) George Bush has been destroying this country.

So now I worry that because SNL has us laughing at Sarah Palin, that might make it less scary to actually vote for her. Laughing at things has a way of shrinking them down to size. It’s part of how we deal with our problems, but is there really anything about George W. Bush and Sarah Palin that we should be laughing about?

How is it funny that we are almost twenty trillion dollars in debt? Is it funny that our economy is collapsing like a cheap tent? Is it funny that three thousand people in Louisiana drowned? Isn't it hilarious that we're paying four dollars a gallon for gas? You could die laughing when you think that more American soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan than died in nine years at Viet Nam (I'm quoting from an article in Atlantic Monthly here). It's a real rib tickler when our bridges collapse and our road ways just fall apart from under us. While we have been laughing, this country has regressed to where it's almost a fuedal state.

Maybe the real question we should be wondering about is not whether Tina Fey can find the time in her busy schedule to impersonate Sarah Palin again. Maybe the real question we need to ask is how long can we afford to be laughing this hard?

FUNNY BOOK PHYSICS

FUNNY BOOK PHYSICS

In the real world, exposure to massive doses of radiation or consumption of experimental chemical compounds can be a painful, if not a fatal experience. In comic book land, it can be an empowering moment in one’s life. However even in the wild and woolly and not altogether coherent world of funny book physics there are still hard and fast rules which guide all comic book transformations. So let’s put on our unstable molecules and take a look with our Phantom Zone viewer.

1. If you are the star of a book, no matter how much radiation you absorb, how many experimental solutions you drink, or how many times you get zapped by wizards at the Rock of Eternity, you will always revert to the image that is used on the cover to sell the comic.
2. Conversely, if you are the star of a title, and your transformed image is used to sell the book, you will never permanently revert to normal.
3. If you have either been bitten by, had a blood transfusion from, or been raised from infancy by an animal or extraterrestrial being, you will gain that creature’s special abilities. It doesn’t need to be radioactive, either.
4. If you have been disfigured by a criminal, have cosmetic surgery to restore your original appearance, and then have any kind of accident, your features will revert to exactly how they were after the first incident.
5. If you are on fire, find the nearest swamp and jump in the water. You will then become an unstoppable bog monster. A bio-restorative formula is not necessary.
6. If you are killed by a criminal and are either very popular or speak to God nicely, you will return to earth with awesome cool superpowers.
7. If you are an arrogant scientist boldly seeking the answers to questions which man was not meant to know, you will be turned into a monster. Unless you are killed by the monster you have accidentally created, at which point you will turn into a monster.
8. Transformed women are usually hotter than they were before their transformation.
9. If women are hot and evil, when they are transformed, they will be revealed as old and ugly.
10. When beloved sidekicks die, they always come back as villains.
11. No one ever builds indestructible killing machines with off switches.
12. Men who gain powers can always control them, women who gain powers can’t.
13. Gorillas never shrink. They always become giants.
14. Any woman who gains powers always loses her clothes in the process.
15. Massive power over the entire space time continuum is always best controlled by ordinary guys.
16. Every non-powered character in a comic book will get super powers at least once.
17. If your superhero wife starts dressing slutty, not only is she having an affair, but her lover is plotting to take over the world.
18. Anyone who becomes smarter will always turn evil.
19. Anyone who becomes stronger but either retains their normal intelligence or drops a few points on their intelligence quotient will always be good.
20. If you are transformed but do not receive superpowers or become a villain, you will die.

Alternate Reality Dukes of Hazzard

The formula: Three cousins raised by their cantankerous uncle fight for
justice against the corrupt local crime lord and his policemen minions. Add
two unknown leading men, one sexy girl in a skimpy outfit, veteran character
actors in all the other roles, and a slumming star from another medium as
the Narrator.

The Dukes of Hoboken
Bobo and Luka Dukowski are cousins from the docks on parole for loan
sharking, a proud family tradition that's just a little bit more than the
law will allow. Cousin Daisy works as a topless waitress in a dive owned by
local crime boss, Boss Hoggawicz (George Dzunda), their mortal nemesis. The
father figure in their life is Uncle Jessie (George Carlin) and they are
always under the watchful eye of police Sgt. Roscoe P. Coltrowski (Wayne
Knight). With the help of their loyal ally handyman/snitch Virgil "Vag"
Vagnitz (Elias Koteas), they're fighting the system like two modern day
Robin Hoods.
Their car: Metallic blue 1969 Dodge Charger, with a Jersey Devil logo
painted on roof. Horn plays: "Born to Run".
Daisy's outfit: Hot pants, boots and fur jacket.
Narrator: Bruce Springsteen
"...someday the turnpike might get them, but the law never will..."

The Dukes of Harlem
Bubba and LL LaDuke are cousins from the projects on parole for pimping, a
proud family tradition that's just a little bit more than the law will
allow. Cousin Daisy is a waitress in the soul food restaurant owned by local
crime boss Boss Hogge (Roscoe Lee Browne), their mortal nemesis. Their
mother figure is retired madam Jessie (Della Reese) and they are always
under the watchful eye of Det. Sgt. R.P. Coltrane (John Witherspoon). With
the help of their loyal ally, retired pimp turned building super O.P.P.
(Flava Flav), they're fighting the system like two modern day Robin Hoods.
Car: 1969 Dodge Charger, jet black, with the Pan African Flag painted on the
roof. It also has low profiles and gold rims.
Sound system announces them with "F### the Police."
Daisy's outfit: Daisy Dukes and a gold lame bikini top with 6 inch clogs.
Narrator: Snoop Dogg, of course.
"...someday the ghetto might get them, but the law never will..."


The Dukes of Hell's Kitchen
Bobby and Luke O'Duke are cousins from the mean streets on
parole for taking protection money, a proud family tradition that's just a
little bit more than the law will allow. Their cousin Daisy is a bartender
in the pub owned by local crime boss Boss Hogg (Ed Asner), their mortal
nemesis. Their father figure is Uncle Jess (John Mahoney who is actually
not Irish but Welsh) and they are always under the watchful eye of Det. Sgt.
Roscoe P. Coltrane (Donal Logue). Along with their loyal ally, loud
mouthed, drunken former stand up comic Boyo (Colin Quinn); they're fighting
the system like two modern day Robin Hoods.
Car: 1969 Dodge Charger, green, with the Notre Dame Fightin' Irishman on
the roof. Touchdown Jesus on the dashboard. Unlike the original Gen. Lee, this car has been heavily damaged.
Horn plays: Notre Dame fight song.
Daisy's outfit: Catholic school girl outfit with the shirt tied up to
reveal the belly, pony tails.
Narrator: Eveready.
"...someday the Dagos might get them, but the law never will..."


The Dukes of O'Hare
Bobo and Luka Ducci are cousins from the mean streets of Chicago on parole
for hijacking, a proud family tradition that's just a little bit more than
the law will allow. To put herself through nursing school, cousin Daisy
works as a nude dancer in the bar owned by local crime boss Boss Hoggia
(Danny Devito), their mortal nemesis. Their father figure is Uncle Jessie
(Robert Loggia) and they are always under the watchful eye of Det. Sgt.
Rocco P. Coltrini (Dennis Farina). With the help of loyal ally and pizza
parlor owner "Cooz" (Joe Pesci),they're fighting the system like two modern
day Robin Hoods.
Car: 1969 Dodge Charger, blue, with green fender, and the Italian Tricolor
on the roof.
Horn plays: the theme from the "Godfather".
Daisy's outfit: Glitter, 12 inch heels, clever camera angles.
Narrator: Tony Bennett.
"...someday the Irish might get them but the law never will..."

The Dukes of Hollywood
Bryan and Layne Duke (real nameTerence and Allen Lipschitz) are cousins from
Tinsel Town on parole for trading sex for acting roles, a proud family
tradition that's just a little bit more than the law will allow. Troubled
cousin Daisy (real name Agatha) is a porn star who works for porn overlord Boss Hogg
(Saul Rubinek), their mortal nemesis, who keeps her supplied with drugs.
Their mother figure is "Aunt makes me sound old" Jessie (Joan Rivers), and
they are always under the watchful eye of studio chief of security Rob
Coltrane (Corbin Bernson). Along with their loyal ally, scuzzy unlicensed
plastic surgeon "Puter" (Pauly Shore), they're fighting the system like two
modern day Robin Hoods.
Car: 1969 Dodge Charger, metallic gold flake, with a silver star of David
on the roof. This car is always seen on the ass end of a tow truck, either
broken down or in the process of being repossessed.
Horn plays: "Hava Nagila".
Daisy's outfit: Roller skates, sunglasses, pool water.
Narrator: Liza Minnelli.
"...some day directors won't want them, but the law always will..."

The Dukes of Hyde Park
Beauregard "Bo" and Wynthrop "Lucky" Featheringay are the penniless heirs to
the Dukedom of Hazzard. The dissolute, degenerate cousins from London are on
parole for running an homosexual clique in their public school for profit, a proud
family tradition that's just a little bit more than the law will allow.
Cousin Daisy, named after the doomed heroine in a James Miller novel, is a
page three girl for press magnate Boss Rudolph Klein-Hogge (Robbie
Coltraine), their mortal nemesis, and a foreigner to boot, dash it all.
Their father figure is faithful family retainer Jesper (John Cleese), who
has not been paid in decades, and they are always under the watchful eye of
Chief Inspector R. P. Coltraine (Rowan Atkinson), who envies them their
titles and status. With the assistance of loyal lackey "Winky" (Rik
Mayall),a public school whipping boy turned Internet billionaire, they're
fighting the system like two modern day Robin Hoods.
Car: Royal blue 1969 Aston Martin with a Union Jack on the roof, which they
inherited and have painted as an ironic comment.
Horn plays: "Rule, Britannia."
Daisy's outfit: Daisy Dukes with a Union Jack bikini top, 12 inch heels,
and knee high socks.
Narrator: Keith Richards (with subtitles).
"...they're much too clever for the law to apprehend..."

The Dukes of the Heartland
Coy and Vance Duke are cousins from the mean streets of Speedway, Indiana on
parole for manufacturing meth, a proud family tradition that's just a little
bit more than the law will allow. Cousin Daisy does Internet porn for local
crime boss, Boss Hogg (George Wendt), their mortal nemesis and owner of the
trailer park where they live. The father figure in their life is Uncle
Jesse (Brian Dennehy) and they are always under the watchful eye of police
Sgt. Roscoe P. Coltrane (Jim Nabors). With the aid of their loyal ally,
paint huffing laid off auto worker "Taint" (David Letterman), they're
fighting the system like two modern day Robin Hoods.
Their car: Orange 1969 Dodge Charger, with Dixie on the roof even though
their ancestors fought on the Union side of the Civil War.
Horn plays: "Jack and Diane"
Daisy's outfit: Daisy Dukes, Colts shirt stretched over her huge fake
breasts.
Narrator: John Mellencamp.
"...someday the meth might get them but the law never will..."

That's all I've got. How many Duke Variations can you come up
with?

Bikini Movies, NOT Beach Movies

Bikini Movies, NOT Beach Movies

Let's take a lingering look at two of my favorite of the AIP bikini movies. Why bikini movies rather than beach movies? Well, no one went to see the beach. I'll start with one of most successful, HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI. (The answer? Start with a tame one first. Ha. Ha.)

Some enthusiasts also call them Frankie and Dee Dee movies, because the stars were always known by these names on screen. So why was Frankie Avalon always referred to by his first name, but Annette Funicello was always called Dee Dee? Hmmm, I can think of two good reasons. (Dee Dee = DD or Double D for the people in the back row.)

These movies were ostensibly comedies, with the majority of the laughs coming from one ERIC VON ZIPPER. He was leader of the world's unlikeliest looking biker gang, known alternately as the Malibu Rat Pack and the Rats & Mice club. Von Zipper and the rest of his middle-aged stooges were the bad guys in all of these movies, but were usually more of a nuisance than a real menace.

One of the jokes behind the scenes was that Harvey Lembeck, who played Von Zipper, was around forty five years old and deathly afraid of motorcycles, so the only time he was ever seen sitting on one was for publicity pictures like below. When his character had to ride, it was either rear projection on a stationary bike, done by an obvious stuntman (usually about forty pounds lighter and twenty years younger), or the “Zipper” rode in a sidecar. Can you imagine Sonny Barger of the Hell’s Angels doing that? Man, only a bitch rides in a sidecar.

I remember watching these movies with my brother (who was a biker) and while I would be lost in a haze of prepubescent horniness over the bikini girls, my brother would be bitterly criticizing Lembeck's obvious lack of riding ability.

Harvey Lembeck was really funny, especially because he was so horrendously miscast, (sometimes casting is all about finding the wrong guy for the role). He also had good people in his gang to work with, but that was hardly the point. No matter how good an actor is, he is always going to lose to the girl in the bikini, and whenever we were with the actors, versus the bikini girls, people would start checking their watches.

In many ways, Von Zipper was the precursor of Fonzie from Happy Days. You've got an actor pretending to be a hood, a guy who really doesn't ride that well pretending to be a biker, and he is surrounded by, but not really part of a group of wholesome clean cut kids. Still, the Fonz was a hell of a lot cooler than Von Zipper could ever hope to be. (The Fonz = the VonZ?)

The “Zipper” was in just about every one of these movies, even more than Avalon and Funicello, so you might say, he deserves to be called the star more than they did. But who are we kidding, the two real stars of the bikini movies were Annette Funicello.

Funicello was still under contract with Disney when the first bikini movies were made. At Disney the joke had been that old Uncle Walt had taken her career well in hand. Thanks to Disney's lawyers she didn't wear a bikini for the first two movies, and her character generally spent most of her screen time trying to get everybody else to cover up and behave themselves. But it's like one of my rules of strip clubs, while the naked dancers are on stage, all the guys will be hitting on the fully clothed waitress.

In many ways, Funicello blazed the trail followed by the likes of the Olsen twins, Britney Spears, and Alyssa Milano. She started out as a child star, and when she started developing, she became the focus of an intense erotic fascination. A lot of teenagers, and a lot of dirty old men too, who had noticed how cute she was on the Mickey Mouse Club, wanted to know in the worst possible way what she looked like without the mouse ears and the sweatshirt.

Annette’s bikini scene became a big event. She wore more clothes than most of the women and a lot of the men in the cast. The producers were coy, keeping Annette's assets under wraps, building the audience's anticipation for the big reveal. This was the real climax of the series, and once all of her was out, her career lost steam. There was nowhere else to go. She could have gotten naked, but Funicello, a very devout person, would have refused, and besides, that would have been a stag film. They tried to build a plot line about Dee Dee and Frankie getting married and having kids, but nobody wants to see that in a bikini movie. The answer to the problem was to make the movies about the guys, and Funicello gradually became nothing more than window dressing like the rest of the girls. Although she is the star of Wild Bikini, when Dobie Gillis shows up she is on her way out. By the time of Dr Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine she was gone. Ironically, once she put on that bikini, she was done in bikini movies.

While Annette may have been demure and modest, the rest of the girls were letting it all hang out. Before these movies, the American public had probably never seen so much female flesh at one time on a movie screen. Oh sure, you'd see a lot of leg in a musical number, but this was generally considered extra gravy. The audience was supposed to look beyond the thrill of the exposed limbs to the true beauty of the movements they made (nudge, nudge --- wink, wink).

However, the main point of the frequent production numbers in the bikini movies was never how well the girls danced or how great the choreography was. Nobody was expecting Busby Berkely in Beach Blanket Bingo. Another one of my observations about strip clubs that seems appropriate here is that nobody ever complains that the stripper can't keep a beat.

The movies were stuffed like, well, a bikini, with young starlets in swimsuits from beginning to end. There wasn't any nudity, of course. Generally there wasn't even the suggestion of sex or drugs (you had to go see French movies for that kind of stuff). You could show them at church today. Any children in the audience will just be bored (I know I was, until I hit puberty.) But they are the ancestors to the eighties teen comedies, like Hardbodies and One Crazy Summer where there was plenty of sex, drugs and nudity which helped the audience to get over the lame comedy and awful acting. The genre was ultimately killed by the remote control, which made the comedy scenes superfluous, and only survives now as ironic Yuppie nostalgia like Wet Hot American Summer with Janeane Garofalo. (The sex comedy still survives.)

Dr Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine featured Vincent Price. I remember this fondly. Frankie Avalon and Dwayne Hickman (the star of Dobie Gillis) were paired up to be the Hope and Crosby of the Sixties, I guess. Neither one of them has a chance against Price, and not even Vincent Price can command the screen when there are bikini girls running around. A true classic of American cinematic cheese, there was also a sequel, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs. These aren't considered beach movies, because they don't feature Funicello and they don't have beach in the title, but they are very definitely bikini movies. Vincent Price and bikini girls? Now that's entertainment.

A constant in all bikini movies was the presence of a respected actor. Generally someone whose career was maybe fading a bit, someone who had a mortgage payment to make, someone who didn't mind coming to the AIP back lot to ogle some bikini girls from behind their huge Sixties style sunglasses. They usually played a second villain of some sort. Mickey Rooney, Brian Donleavy, and Buster Keaton are all in Wild Bikini. On one hand, you were grateful for these guys for appearing and trying to liven things up, because most of the cast were not chosen for their acting ability. On the other hand, the acting was getting in the way of the girls in the bikinis.

Almost all of these guys seemed like creeps when I was younger. They're still creeps now, but I'm more understanding today. When I go to the beach and find myself surrounded by jiggling female flesh packed into a few slight strips of rayon polyester blend, but these girls are young enough to be my daughters . . . Well, now that I'm older, I can understand better at how the mind of a middle-aged man kind of strips its gears. But there is no getting away from the fact that the guys who made these movies were creeps.

Obviously made by middle-aged men, the point of view they espouse is middle-aged and dirty minded. Only middle aged men and bikini girls populate bikini movies. (Avalon was only twenty six, but the blow dried hair made him seem older). There is no suggestion of a Sexual Revolution going on. All Dee Dee wanted was a cozy little home with Frankie while he ran around and flirted with the other bikini girls. However, if she so much as said 'Hi' to another man, he would go crazy. No one on screen seemed to be enjoying the sexual liberation of the Swingin' Sixties.

Of course bikini movies weren't hip even when they were new. There are no hippies, no authentic bikers or surfers anywhere to be seen. Frankie Avalon even wears a Navy uniform in Wild Bikini. The only people who seemed to be counter culture in any way were Von Zipper and the Rats and Mice Club, and they were the bad guys.

The bikini movies are awful, especially if you are not viewing them through the haze of nostalgia. With the amount of skin available on Internet and cable, there is no reason for the average pervert to watch them. However they are an ingrained memory of mine thanks to growing up in the seventies, when there were three channels and only rich people had remote controls. None of them are over ninety minutes long, so you generally sat there and watched. And, there were girls in bikinis in it.

Today they're probably of more interest to rock and pop fans. Stevie Wonder, Dick Dale and the DelTones, Nancy Sinatra, the Kingsmen, they all appeared in bikini movies, although the rest of the music is mostly prefab dreck.

The real point of these movies were to advertise the music, making them also the ancestors of MTV. Frankie Avalon was one of the Teen Idols of the era, a packaged commodity manufactured by producers in Philadelphia and New York City. He would sing one or two of his new CRAP singles in every movie, which stopped the film dead like those Harpo Marx harp recitals would kill Marx Brothers movies. The only way most men could stay interested is that there were girls in bikinis dancing. They also went out of their way to make fun of British rock bands (Avalon caricatures John Lennon under the name of Potato Bug). Avalon's resentment of the Beatles and the British Invasion makes more sense when you realize that they were driving him and the rest of his prefab brotherhood off the record charts at that time.

Even though they were set and made in California, they were really East Coast kind of movies. I think the chance of seeing the likes of Frankie and Dee Dee and Eric Von Zipper at the beach was much more likely on Long Island than Los Angeles. Even the way they behaved was more East Coast conventional than West Coast hip. Dee Dee sexually blackmailed Frankie into settling down and marrying her, with the implicit understanding that he was going to be fooling around on the side.

Still, I found these movies charming when I was a kid. Nowadays, I don't think I'd like the people in it that much. I don't know if I'm more discerning or just more irritable. The idea of people hanging out at the beach, but never getting their hair wet and never mussing up their makeup kind of creeps me out. But I am obviously thinking too much. Another production number with some dancing bikini girls will help me clear my mind.

What Are You Voting For?

• What Are You Voting For?
  
  It’s a little less than two months until the election. I suspect most of us have already made up our minds who they are voting for. I finally decided last week, and I did it by considering the following things. Even if you have made your choice, it doesn’t hurt to think about these factors before casting your vote.
  
  John McCain is too old. He should have been elected president eight years ago. It was his moment. Today, he is seventy four years old, and he is running for the toughest job on earth. The Oval Office has ruined the health of men almost half his age. No matter how good a shape he is in, he is too old for the job. We wouldn’t let him drive a bus, we wouldn’t let him practice medicine, we wouldn’t let him teach college. But it’s fine to make him president. I honestly don’t think he’ll last two years, and then who do we get? Sarah Palin.
• 
  Voting for John McCain is voting for Sarah Palin. Former chairwoman of a PAC that is currently under federal indictment, a woman who hired a high powered lobbyist and got more government funds for a town of 11,000 than the entire state of Idaho, a politician who got elected on her promise to build the Bridge to Nowhere, then when it was politically expedient, cancelled the project (but never gave back the money). This woman is now running as a political outsider. Don’t worry about her almost complete lack of credentials and any kind of experience. Hey, Alaska’s pretty close to Russia. That makes her an expert on foreign affairs! Where have we heard all of this before?
• 
  Sarah Palin is George W. Bush. George Bush was just as unprepared for the demands of the Oval Office eight years ago as Palin is today. What did we get? Dick Cheney running the country, while Bush stood on an oil drum shouting “Mission Accomplished!” Looking back, it’s clear that the one government official who truly answered the challenge of 9/11 was Rudy Guiliani, while Cheney and Bush cowered in their hidden bunkers. When Katrina came, and we looked to him for leadership, Bush trimmed the brush at his ranch while thousands of Americans drowned in their own sewage. Sarah Palin is George Bush with big hair. She uses the same speechwriters and talks in the same clichés. She’s probably smarter than Bush, but she still answers to the same people Bush does. It’s the people who give Bush his instructions who we really should be worried about.
• 
  George W. Bush and Sarah Palin are slaves. I would have used the word whore, but that’s an insult to hard-working prostitutes, who can at least choose not to do things that are harmful to them. Bush and Palin have no choice but to obey their masters. They are slaves to the oil companies. They are slaves to defense contractors. They are slaves to the banks and mortgage industry. Why didn’t Bush do anything about Katrina? Because it suited the real estate developers. Why are Bush and Palin pushing for drilling on federally protected land when the oil companies already own millions of acres of land with oil in it and don’t drill? Because it gives the oil companies options on incredibly valuable real estate. The interests of these companies come before any other consideration. Do we really need another Bush to be our president in the tough times ahead? Because if you thought the last eight years were awful, wait until you see what happens after the election.
• 
  Tough times are ahead regardless of who is president. The only thing keeping the economy from collapsing are billions of our tax dollars in corporate welfare the Federal Reserve are throwing into the stock and mortgage markets. The stereotypical welfare mothers who have children and don’t work, that’s small change. We’re also giving welfare to the bankers who sell houses to these welfare mothers without asking if they have any income. The resulting defaults are costing us billions upon billions of dollars. And that’s just the beginning. Drive around any community in America and see all of the strip malls that don’t have any renters, all of the empty stores being built while older ones stay vacant. The commercial mortgage market is the next to go. The commercial mortgage market in the US is currently valued at something like twenty times the Gross Domestic Product of the entire earth. It’s being propped up until after the election. It’s a leaking balloon that’s being kept inflated by Ben Bernanke desperately blowing in it while no one is looking.
• 
  John McCain and Sarah Palin don’t care. John McCain supposedly doesn’t know how many houses he owns, is kind of vague about how much money he makes. He’s old, so maybe he’s forgetful, but I think he doesn’t want to answer the question. Sarah Palin is a corporate welfare mother. If we can learn anything about her career so far it’s that she knows how to find money. Regardless of what happens to the rest of us, they’re covered. What do they care if the price of gas goes above four dollars a gallon? They’re not going to be unemployed when the banks start to shut down faster than the FDIC can cover, when companies unable to borrow any more operating capital start putting workers on the street. When given the choice of doing something to save one of their fat cat masters or doing something to help you, what choice do you thing they are going to make?
• 
  Who’s looking out for you? It’s not Bill O’Reilly. It’s not Rush Limbaugh. It’s not Karl “Turdblossom” Rove. In the end it may not be Barack Obama or Joe Biden. But we already gave the others a chance, and this is where they have got us. If the surge has worked so well and we have won in Iraq, why can’t we bring any soldiers home? Why doesn’t anyone mention Afghanistan? All we hear is that everything is working, but just a glance at the headlines will show us that it’s not. We have bridges falling into the Mississippi River, railroad overpasses collapsing on I95 in Philadelphia, every time it rains in New Orleans the remaining locals pray for the levees. This is what has come out of running the government like a business. Considering how poorly most American business is doing today, maybe we need to find another model.
  Voting for John McCain and Sarah Palin is voting for more of the same. They answer to the same corporations and special interests as Bush, they are committed to the same policies as Bush, they don’t represent any kind of break from Bush and Cheney. Voting for them is like re-electing Bush for a third term. Ronald Reagan asked if you were better off after four years of Jimmy Carter. Are you better off after eight years of Bush? Unless you’re a member of the board of directors for Exxon or own stock in Halliburton, you know the answer to that question. We need to start making better choices, because at the rate we’re going, it may be the last choice we get.

And however you vote, make you sure you get to the polls.