How to Survive a Bear Attack

Surviving Bear Attacks

The best way to avoid a bear attack is to avoid bears. However, as civilization continues to encroach upon traditional bear territory, attacks are becoming more and more common. The attacks are escalating in severity as bears continue to try to integrate themselves into society. Bears can now be seen in areas where they were formerly absent, such as in forests, mountains, supermarket candy aisles, toy stores, old Saturday morning cartoons, even Wall Street, although if Bush’s plan is approved the bears will go away.

However if you are unable to prevent a bear attack, these tips might help you survive.

The Essentials:
bear spray
bear whistle
bear repelling socks
large caliber weapons
surface to surface missile launcher platform
an old priest and a young one
two changes of underwear
money in small denominations, bears won’t take anything over a twenty

Grizzly Attacks
Step1
Hike with pepper spray at the ready--easily accessible in a holster on your belt or in a front pocket. Even better would be one of those quick draw devices that Mississippi river boat gamblers used to carry up their sleeves back in the Old West days. Or even cooler would be a pepper spray dispenser that popped out of the back of your hand like Wolverine’s claws in the X-Men movies. Even better would be to have Wolverine’s claws! Yeah! OR you could undergo experimental gene therapy, so that whenever a bear gets near you, you’d shoot pepper spray out of your butt, like you were a skunk or something. OR you could have eyes that shoot death lasers YEAH! That would be awesome! But whatever it is, you’d better be fast, because a bear can completely strip the meat off a full grown adult skeleton within thirty seconds.

Step2
Aim bear spray toward attacking bear. When the massive, incredibly strong killing machine is in close range, begin to whimsically fire a cloud in his direction. Hopefully, the super-strength pepper spray will be enough to ward off the attack. Unless the bear likes pepper, then he will think it is delicious seasoning.

Step3
Drop to the ground and lie face down if the bear continues to charge. DO NOT MOVE. Cover the back of your neck with your hands and DO NOT MOVE. Place your wallet and all valuables on the ground beside you and DO NOT MOVE. Bears are less interested in you than your money, which they use to purchase alcohol and weird German pornography.

Step4
PLAY DEAD. When the bear attacks as you lie helplessly on the ground, PLAY DEAD. As he breathes on your neck, his twelve inch long fangs mere centimeters away from your aorta, PLAY DEAD. As he fondles your body with his three inch claws, which are capable of slicing through concrete, PLAY DEAD. As he goes through your wallet, looking for your driver’s license and Social Security card so that he can steal your identity, PLAY DEAD. If he leaves you alone even for as long as 20 minutes, continue to PLAY DEAD. Even if the bear has forgotten about you and is currently eating a camper twenty miles away continue to PLAY DEAD. Even if you haven’t seen a bear, and are just feeling paranoid, PLAY DEAD. Even if you see a bear on the television, PLAY DEAD.

The downside of this approach is that the bear will almost inevitably take a crap on you. Damn bears!

Black Bear Attacks

Remember: Black bears will usually bluff one or more charges before deciding to eat you.

Step1
Do whatever you can to look aggressive and big. Stand your ground, look big, scream and shout--flail your arms about! Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care! If you have a pack or bike or branch--anything--hold it over your head to look bigger. Even better would be one of those inflatable suits like Missy Elliot wore in the video for Supadupa Fly. Yeah man, you just pull the ripcord and you’d blow up to be like three times your size, and the bear would be afraid of you. How awesome is that?

Steroids may be efficacious in helping you to bulk up and scare off bears, but they generally take too long to work, as well as the side effect of shrinking your genitals. Buyer beware!

Step2
Keep your feet on the ground; do not climb a tree! Black bears are excellent climbers. That’s how they got Sir Edmund Hillary!

Step3
Fight back. Do not go gentle into that good night. Use your fists, your feet, sticks and stones, your nail file, your tweezers, your roach clip, the handgun you carry around without a permit. Telling a bear ‘no’ will not work. Just like Kobe Bryant.

Tips & Warnings
If a grizzly seems to be following or circling you, it may actually be hunting you as prey. This is not normal behavior, but it may happen with a sick or starving bear. Only when we have a nationalized health care system will the menace of sick and elderly bears end.
Do not run. There is no chance of outrunning bears. Some own four wheelers and SUVs. Some ride horses like the gorillas in the Planet of the Apes. How messed up is that, gorillas riding horses?

Remember, the bear is far less scared of you than you are terrified of it. If you remain calm while grizzly or black bear is disemboweling you, you are that far ahead. Except that bears usually attack the head first. It is important that before a bear attack to take care of any unfinished business, such as putting in your final draft of your last will and testament. Many bears are notary publics and will witness your will for a small fee.