FUNNY BOOK PHYSICS

FUNNY BOOK PHYSICS

In the real world, exposure to massive doses of radiation or consumption of experimental chemical compounds can be a painful, if not a fatal experience. In comic book land, it can be an empowering moment in one’s life. However even in the wild and woolly and not altogether coherent world of funny book physics there are still hard and fast rules which guide all comic book transformations. So let’s put on our unstable molecules and take a look with our Phantom Zone viewer.

1. If you are the star of a book, no matter how much radiation you absorb, how many experimental solutions you drink, or how many times you get zapped by wizards at the Rock of Eternity, you will always revert to the image that is used on the cover to sell the comic.
2. Conversely, if you are the star of a title, and your transformed image is used to sell the book, you will never permanently revert to normal.
3. If you have either been bitten by, had a blood transfusion from, or been raised from infancy by an animal or extraterrestrial being, you will gain that creature’s special abilities. It doesn’t need to be radioactive, either.
4. If you have been disfigured by a criminal, have cosmetic surgery to restore your original appearance, and then have any kind of accident, your features will revert to exactly how they were after the first incident.
5. If you are on fire, find the nearest swamp and jump in the water. You will then become an unstoppable bog monster. A bio-restorative formula is not necessary.
6. If you are killed by a criminal and are either very popular or speak to God nicely, you will return to earth with awesome cool superpowers.
7. If you are an arrogant scientist boldly seeking the answers to questions which man was not meant to know, you will be turned into a monster. Unless you are killed by the monster you have accidentally created, at which point you will turn into a monster.
8. Transformed women are usually hotter than they were before their transformation.
9. If women are hot and evil, when they are transformed, they will be revealed as old and ugly.
10. When beloved sidekicks die, they always come back as villains.
11. No one ever builds indestructible killing machines with off switches.
12. Men who gain powers can always control them, women who gain powers can’t.
13. Gorillas never shrink. They always become giants.
14. Any woman who gains powers always loses her clothes in the process.
15. Massive power over the entire space time continuum is always best controlled by ordinary guys.
16. Every non-powered character in a comic book will get super powers at least once.
17. If your superhero wife starts dressing slutty, not only is she having an affair, but her lover is plotting to take over the world.
18. Anyone who becomes smarter will always turn evil.
19. Anyone who becomes stronger but either retains their normal intelligence or drops a few points on their intelligence quotient will always be good.
20. If you are transformed but do not receive superpowers or become a villain, you will die.