Recipes for the New New Economy

ENTERTAINING ON A BUDGET

Times are tight, but you can still eat like a king if you know how.

TOMATOLESS SOUP

1 “soup bone” (chicken leg bone from dumpster behind KFC)
2 tbsp. flour (from floor of doughnut place)
2 restaurant sugar packs
25 packs of catsup
½ teaspoon dried toothpaste
8 dairy creamers from convenience store coffee machine

Put on “soup bone” early to boil on hot plate. When done, remove from kettle; place bone in safe where you used to keep the deed to your house; sigh. Run twenty five packs of tomato catsup through sieve or recently cleaned sock; add to the liquor. Immediately add one half teaspoon dried tooth paste, a pat of butter, one pack of sugar, one heaping tablespoon of flour from the floor of the doughnut place that gives out day old bread to homeless people like you are now; sigh. Mix with eight dairy creamers; salt and pepper to taste.
After adding flour let boil up three times, and serve in dome from porch light of house you used to own; sigh. Garnish with deed to your house, which you have cut into a chain of dollar signs; remember when you could afford a can of Campbell’s; sigh.

DOG FOOD CASSEROLE

2 cans beef flavor dog food
1/2 c. wild onions1 can cheddar cheese soup
10 packs Heinz catsup
Cheese scraped from McDonald's burger containers
3 cups Snack Ramen
In your hot plate cook dog food and onions which you picked at the park earlier that day while panhandling. Mix soup and catsup packets in dog food. Boil Ramen until done. Drain. Place in a 9 x 13 inch shoebox lined with tinfoil. Mix dog food in with noodles. Place cheese on top. Bake on radiator at your flophouse until cheese is melted and casserole is hot.

ROAST HOUSE CAT WITH ORANGE SAUCE

1 house cat, dressed and halved
2 tbsp. flour (gathered from shelf at supermarket)
2 restaurant sugar packs
1 container Jungle Juice
1/4 c. sherry (ripple or beer is acceptable)
Salt to taste
Grated rind of 2 oranges (can be found at any dumpster)

Brown house cat with a small amount of fat in toaster oven you got from the pawn shop; place fat-side down on toaster rack. Cover and roast at 300 degrees for 1 1/2 - 2 hours or until tender. Remove cover during last 15 minutes to brown. Pour off stock; skim off fat and reserve 1 cup of the liquid. Blend stock, flour, and sugar packs. Gradually stir in Jungle Juice and half of the orange rind. Cook until thick and smooth; salt to taste. Pour over house cat on garbage can lid. Garnish with remaining orange rind.
Note: If house cat is frozen, roast for 5 hours at 300 degrees.
Yield: 2 servings, if you’re really hungry. But maybe you’d better stretch it out for a while there, big guy.

GOLDFISH BALLS

1 pint of shredded goldfish
1 bar of stale potato chips
2 eggs (does not have to be chicken)
3 butter patties
15 creamers (dairy or non-dairy)

One pint shredded gold fish, two quarts artificial mashed potatoes, well seasoned with butter and pepper--salt, if necessary. Form mixture into balls. After dipping them into a mixture of two eggs beaten with 15 coffee creamers, place them in a cleaned out ashtray into which you have put 3 pats of butter; place in Stewart’s sandwich microwave oven at the bus station with the setting at ten; baste frequently with eggs and creamer; bake till golden brown. Garnish with gravel and castle from your fish tank.
Submitted by the lady with the shopping cart and all of the cats

SEASONED PAN – FRIED SHOE LEATHER STEAKS

SHOES:
2 (4-6 oz.) patent leather shoes
Salt and pepper packets from Burger King
Flour or substance you can pretend is flour
1 butter patty1
1/2 tbsp. motor oil

SAUCE:
3 butter patties, melted
1 1/2 tbsp. grass clippings

Remove laces, eyelets, staples, and sweat wicking sole covers. Slice shoes into thin strips. Season strips with paprika, salt and pepper packets on both sides. Powder with flour or dust that looks like flour. Heat butter and oil in a coffee can and brown shoes over medium high heat on both sides (about 3 minutes per side). Combine sauce ingredients and pour over shoes. Used to serve 2, but now serves 8. Garnish with laces.
Note: Sauce is also good on baked potatoes. As if you could afford potatoes.

RUMP ROAST OF DOG

1 pack of salt
1pack of pepper
1/2 c. rainwater
1 pack of ketchup
2 packs of sugar
2 lb. rump roast from dog

Rub roast dog with salt and pepper. Sear with blow torch you stole from that auto body shop that wouldn’t even take your application. Simmer in bottom half of garbage can over a roaring fire for 30 minutes. Pour in water, ketchup, and sugar. Roast several hours until done. Garnish with collar and serve in dog’s food bowl. You and your hobo friends enjoy.


BABY BACK RIBS FROM REAL BABY

3 to 4 pounds baby ribs
4 packs of sugar
1/2 cup vinegar
2 cups water from pipe behind the laundry mat
7 ketchup packets
1 pack of mustard
4 packs of pepper

Combine shoplifted vinegar and sugar in hub cap from car you can no longer afford gas for and simmer until mixture thickens to a syrupy consistency, about 10 to 15 minutes. Add water and seasonings. Bring to a boil and add ribs, simmering for 20 minutes. Allow ribs to cool in a milk crate lined with foil candy wrappers. After 15 minutes, wrap ribs in foil and refrigerate overnight by wrapping them in a trash bag, tying them to a stake you drove in the ground, and throwing them into the river.
The next day, simmer the remaining liquid in valve cover from a Harley, reducing until it becomes thick enough to coat the back of a spoon. Cool and refrigerate. Reserve this sauce to baste the ribs while grilling.
The following day, grill ribs 30 to 40 minutes in a hole in the ground over which you have laid a piece of the chain link fence the bank has put around your house. Turn once or twice, and baste every 10 to 15 minutes with the reserved sauce. Garnish with rattle and teething ring, and serve on garbage can lid. Explain to police that you just found the food already cooked, and thought it was a piglet.