Chapter Three: Be Mr. Punctuality

Chapter Three

Be Mr. Punctuality

“What?” I hear you shriek. “Get up early in the morning when the sun isn’t up and it’s cold outside and drag my half-dead ass to work on time? You’re crazy. I thought this jive ass blog was supposed to be teaching me how to be lazy. This has been a complete waste of time. Shee-it. I coulda been taking care of my Webkinz.”

Well. Let me start by saying I do not like your tone at all. You don’t give me an attitude like that. You don’t know me. You did a google search on laziness, it’s not like I owe you the Critique of Pure Reason. So you had better get out of my face. I’m trying to help your slacker ass here, so you can either listen or you can just keep talking to yourself. Me, I don’t care.

Now for those of you who came here to pay attention, my most important piece of advice is for you to show up on time for work every day. I understand your reservations on this matter. If it was up to me, I wouldn’t show up for work until a civilized hour, such as four thirty, or quarter to five. That is, if I bothered to show up at all. As of today, I have yet to find a job where they were cool with that. I’ve heard some very encouraging things about France. I have looked into relocation. The problem with that is the French. No matter how little you do, these people can figure out how to do even less. These people invented not doing anything. The French were really active for about four years after the Roman Empire collapsed, and they have been recuperating ever since. The laziest American ever couldn’t hold the average frog’s baguette. There are many things the French may teach us about laziness; you will never beat them on their home court. We must admire them from afar, well out of the range of smell.

No, there is no getting around it, you’re going to have to go to work. That’s the key thing right there, to be seen going to work, not actually doing anything. Show up, every day, bright and early. Be there when the boss unlocks the door (but not before, it makes you look ambitious). Punch that time clock promptly at start time. Be waiting with your lunch box when your boss comes to pick you up.