Recipes for the New New Economy

ENTERTAINING ON A BUDGET

Times are tight, but you can still eat like a king if you know how.

TOMATOLESS SOUP

1 “soup bone” (chicken leg bone from dumpster behind KFC)
2 tbsp. flour (from floor of doughnut place)
2 restaurant sugar packs
25 packs of catsup
½ teaspoon dried toothpaste
8 dairy creamers from convenience store coffee machine

Put on “soup bone” early to boil on hot plate. When done, remove from kettle; place bone in safe where you used to keep the deed to your house; sigh. Run twenty five packs of tomato catsup through sieve or recently cleaned sock; add to the liquor. Immediately add one half teaspoon dried tooth paste, a pat of butter, one pack of sugar, one heaping tablespoon of flour from the floor of the doughnut place that gives out day old bread to homeless people like you are now; sigh. Mix with eight dairy creamers; salt and pepper to taste.
After adding flour let boil up three times, and serve in dome from porch light of house you used to own; sigh. Garnish with deed to your house, which you have cut into a chain of dollar signs; remember when you could afford a can of Campbell’s; sigh.

DOG FOOD CASSEROLE

2 cans beef flavor dog food
1/2 c. wild onions1 can cheddar cheese soup
10 packs Heinz catsup
Cheese scraped from McDonald's burger containers
3 cups Snack Ramen
In your hot plate cook dog food and onions which you picked at the park earlier that day while panhandling. Mix soup and catsup packets in dog food. Boil Ramen until done. Drain. Place in a 9 x 13 inch shoebox lined with tinfoil. Mix dog food in with noodles. Place cheese on top. Bake on radiator at your flophouse until cheese is melted and casserole is hot.

ROAST HOUSE CAT WITH ORANGE SAUCE

1 house cat, dressed and halved
2 tbsp. flour (gathered from shelf at supermarket)
2 restaurant sugar packs
1 container Jungle Juice
1/4 c. sherry (ripple or beer is acceptable)
Salt to taste
Grated rind of 2 oranges (can be found at any dumpster)

Brown house cat with a small amount of fat in toaster oven you got from the pawn shop; place fat-side down on toaster rack. Cover and roast at 300 degrees for 1 1/2 - 2 hours or until tender. Remove cover during last 15 minutes to brown. Pour off stock; skim off fat and reserve 1 cup of the liquid. Blend stock, flour, and sugar packs. Gradually stir in Jungle Juice and half of the orange rind. Cook until thick and smooth; salt to taste. Pour over house cat on garbage can lid. Garnish with remaining orange rind.
Note: If house cat is frozen, roast for 5 hours at 300 degrees.
Yield: 2 servings, if you’re really hungry. But maybe you’d better stretch it out for a while there, big guy.

GOLDFISH BALLS

1 pint of shredded goldfish
1 bar of stale potato chips
2 eggs (does not have to be chicken)
3 butter patties
15 creamers (dairy or non-dairy)

One pint shredded gold fish, two quarts artificial mashed potatoes, well seasoned with butter and pepper--salt, if necessary. Form mixture into balls. After dipping them into a mixture of two eggs beaten with 15 coffee creamers, place them in a cleaned out ashtray into which you have put 3 pats of butter; place in Stewart’s sandwich microwave oven at the bus station with the setting at ten; baste frequently with eggs and creamer; bake till golden brown. Garnish with gravel and castle from your fish tank.
Submitted by the lady with the shopping cart and all of the cats

SEASONED PAN – FRIED SHOE LEATHER STEAKS

SHOES:
2 (4-6 oz.) patent leather shoes
Salt and pepper packets from Burger King
Flour or substance you can pretend is flour
1 butter patty1
1/2 tbsp. motor oil

SAUCE:
3 butter patties, melted
1 1/2 tbsp. grass clippings

Remove laces, eyelets, staples, and sweat wicking sole covers. Slice shoes into thin strips. Season strips with paprika, salt and pepper packets on both sides. Powder with flour or dust that looks like flour. Heat butter and oil in a coffee can and brown shoes over medium high heat on both sides (about 3 minutes per side). Combine sauce ingredients and pour over shoes. Used to serve 2, but now serves 8. Garnish with laces.
Note: Sauce is also good on baked potatoes. As if you could afford potatoes.

RUMP ROAST OF DOG

1 pack of salt
1pack of pepper
1/2 c. rainwater
1 pack of ketchup
2 packs of sugar
2 lb. rump roast from dog

Rub roast dog with salt and pepper. Sear with blow torch you stole from that auto body shop that wouldn’t even take your application. Simmer in bottom half of garbage can over a roaring fire for 30 minutes. Pour in water, ketchup, and sugar. Roast several hours until done. Garnish with collar and serve in dog’s food bowl. You and your hobo friends enjoy.


BABY BACK RIBS FROM REAL BABY

3 to 4 pounds baby ribs
4 packs of sugar
1/2 cup vinegar
2 cups water from pipe behind the laundry mat
7 ketchup packets
1 pack of mustard
4 packs of pepper

Combine shoplifted vinegar and sugar in hub cap from car you can no longer afford gas for and simmer until mixture thickens to a syrupy consistency, about 10 to 15 minutes. Add water and seasonings. Bring to a boil and add ribs, simmering for 20 minutes. Allow ribs to cool in a milk crate lined with foil candy wrappers. After 15 minutes, wrap ribs in foil and refrigerate overnight by wrapping them in a trash bag, tying them to a stake you drove in the ground, and throwing them into the river.
The next day, simmer the remaining liquid in valve cover from a Harley, reducing until it becomes thick enough to coat the back of a spoon. Cool and refrigerate. Reserve this sauce to baste the ribs while grilling.
The following day, grill ribs 30 to 40 minutes in a hole in the ground over which you have laid a piece of the chain link fence the bank has put around your house. Turn once or twice, and baste every 10 to 15 minutes with the reserved sauce. Garnish with rattle and teething ring, and serve on garbage can lid. Explain to police that you just found the food already cooked, and thought it was a piglet.

How to Survive a Bear Attack

Surviving Bear Attacks

The best way to avoid a bear attack is to avoid bears. However, as civilization continues to encroach upon traditional bear territory, attacks are becoming more and more common. The attacks are escalating in severity as bears continue to try to integrate themselves into society. Bears can now be seen in areas where they were formerly absent, such as in forests, mountains, supermarket candy aisles, toy stores, old Saturday morning cartoons, even Wall Street, although if Bush’s plan is approved the bears will go away.

However if you are unable to prevent a bear attack, these tips might help you survive.

The Essentials:
bear spray
bear whistle
bear repelling socks
large caliber weapons
surface to surface missile launcher platform
an old priest and a young one
two changes of underwear
money in small denominations, bears won’t take anything over a twenty

Grizzly Attacks
Step1
Hike with pepper spray at the ready--easily accessible in a holster on your belt or in a front pocket. Even better would be one of those quick draw devices that Mississippi river boat gamblers used to carry up their sleeves back in the Old West days. Or even cooler would be a pepper spray dispenser that popped out of the back of your hand like Wolverine’s claws in the X-Men movies. Even better would be to have Wolverine’s claws! Yeah! OR you could undergo experimental gene therapy, so that whenever a bear gets near you, you’d shoot pepper spray out of your butt, like you were a skunk or something. OR you could have eyes that shoot death lasers YEAH! That would be awesome! But whatever it is, you’d better be fast, because a bear can completely strip the meat off a full grown adult skeleton within thirty seconds.

Step2
Aim bear spray toward attacking bear. When the massive, incredibly strong killing machine is in close range, begin to whimsically fire a cloud in his direction. Hopefully, the super-strength pepper spray will be enough to ward off the attack. Unless the bear likes pepper, then he will think it is delicious seasoning.

Step3
Drop to the ground and lie face down if the bear continues to charge. DO NOT MOVE. Cover the back of your neck with your hands and DO NOT MOVE. Place your wallet and all valuables on the ground beside you and DO NOT MOVE. Bears are less interested in you than your money, which they use to purchase alcohol and weird German pornography.

Step4
PLAY DEAD. When the bear attacks as you lie helplessly on the ground, PLAY DEAD. As he breathes on your neck, his twelve inch long fangs mere centimeters away from your aorta, PLAY DEAD. As he fondles your body with his three inch claws, which are capable of slicing through concrete, PLAY DEAD. As he goes through your wallet, looking for your driver’s license and Social Security card so that he can steal your identity, PLAY DEAD. If he leaves you alone even for as long as 20 minutes, continue to PLAY DEAD. Even if the bear has forgotten about you and is currently eating a camper twenty miles away continue to PLAY DEAD. Even if you haven’t seen a bear, and are just feeling paranoid, PLAY DEAD. Even if you see a bear on the television, PLAY DEAD.

The downside of this approach is that the bear will almost inevitably take a crap on you. Damn bears!

Black Bear Attacks

Remember: Black bears will usually bluff one or more charges before deciding to eat you.

Step1
Do whatever you can to look aggressive and big. Stand your ground, look big, scream and shout--flail your arms about! Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care! If you have a pack or bike or branch--anything--hold it over your head to look bigger. Even better would be one of those inflatable suits like Missy Elliot wore in the video for Supadupa Fly. Yeah man, you just pull the ripcord and you’d blow up to be like three times your size, and the bear would be afraid of you. How awesome is that?

Steroids may be efficacious in helping you to bulk up and scare off bears, but they generally take too long to work, as well as the side effect of shrinking your genitals. Buyer beware!

Step2
Keep your feet on the ground; do not climb a tree! Black bears are excellent climbers. That’s how they got Sir Edmund Hillary!

Step3
Fight back. Do not go gentle into that good night. Use your fists, your feet, sticks and stones, your nail file, your tweezers, your roach clip, the handgun you carry around without a permit. Telling a bear ‘no’ will not work. Just like Kobe Bryant.

Tips & Warnings
If a grizzly seems to be following or circling you, it may actually be hunting you as prey. This is not normal behavior, but it may happen with a sick or starving bear. Only when we have a nationalized health care system will the menace of sick and elderly bears end.
Do not run. There is no chance of outrunning bears. Some own four wheelers and SUVs. Some ride horses like the gorillas in the Planet of the Apes. How messed up is that, gorillas riding horses?

Remember, the bear is far less scared of you than you are terrified of it. If you remain calm while grizzly or black bear is disemboweling you, you are that far ahead. Except that bears usually attack the head first. It is important that before a bear attack to take care of any unfinished business, such as putting in your final draft of your last will and testament. Many bears are notary publics and will witness your will for a small fee.